Wait. Be Patient.

In November of last year my utmost desire was to go home. Albeit not permanently, the idea was if I could be at home and relax with my family, friends, and girlfriend I would feel refreshed and energized to come back to finish out my service in Peace Corps. That was the idea. When the entire month of June was approved for me to go on leave, I was ecstatic. I immediately called my parents and they generously purchased my ticket to come home to see them. 

Being home was amazing and refreshing, however it had some unforeseen consequences. Well...foreseen...but maybe ignored. I want to finish. I want to come back to Kosovo. It’s just one more year. As the days approached my return to Kosovo, the reality of the situation became more apparent. However many tears I shed before hand, the true catalyst moment came when my girlfriend took me to the airport. We pulled into the parking spot at LAX and I sobbed. Not only was I broken inside, but I was frozen. I was unable to move. Moving meant I had to go through security. Moving meant I had to board a 12 hour flight back to a place that wasn’t home. Honestly I could have been flying to Paris, my reaction probably would have been the same. 

My mom has been one of my biggest supporters throughout this whole journey. She also left for a difficult project around the same age as I did. So naturally in that moment I called my mom. “Mom, I can’t get out of the car.” I expected my mom to respond along the lines of something like “it’s good, and it’s just one more year, and you will learn so much about this.” But what my mom actually said was “I know it’s hard, but right now you need to go, at least to get all your things. If in a week you still want to come home, then we can talk about it.” Reluctantly I got out of the car, said goodbye to Rachael, and came back to Kosovo.

In all truth and honesty, I arrived with the spirit that I was going to try to make it work. As much as I didn’t want to, I do see the benefits of being here. I have learned a lot through my experiences here. If nothing else, the experience has been educational, transformative, and maturing all in good ways. All this being said, after a week I wanted out. However, a struggle I had (and continue to have) was I was worried about what it looked like for me to quit. Ask anyone close to me and they will tell you I don’t finish a lot of things. I have a lot of ambition to start things, but not being able to finish them. Just to name a few of the things I have started but never finished or stuck with: baseball, basketball, soccer, knitting, my Computer Science degree, and the list goes on and on. You are just falling into your old habits. You are a flake. You have to risk your mental stability and health, and stay in Kosovo. I worried about what my mom and dad would think about me. I worried about what my peers would think of me. After a lot of introspection and conversations with people I trusted, I decided to tell my parents that I intended on applying to jobs, and that if I got anything I would come home. They both seemed fine with it, but internally again I was in disbelief. They are just telling you that because you are an adult. They really want you to stay. In one of these spirals of self-deprecation I called my mom panicking and told her that I felt conflicted because I knew they said they would support me, but I also knew that they both wanted me to stay. My mom very calmly told me to breathe, and also told me to not be conflicted. She said the words “I want you to come home,” and it was like an instant transformation. We both agreed that I was going to apply to as many jobs as I could, and we were going to call it my fleece before the Lord. If I didn’t get any jobs, it was because God wanted me to stay here. 

For those of you who don’t understand the concept of a fleece before the Lord, it is centered around the story of Gideon in the Bible. In his story, Israel is being oppressed by the nation of Midian and the Israelites had fallen into idolatry and sin. When an angel approaches Gideon and tells him that he will lead the army of Israel to defeat the Midianites and take back Israel, Gideon responds with disbelief. He says, “ but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” (Judges 6:15). Even though the angel assures him he is the one, Gideon boldly but respectfully says “prove it.” So he puts a piece of fleece on the ground and asks the angel to have God ensure that when he wakes up the entire ground is dry but the fleece was wet. The next morning as Gideon awakens, he finds it just like that. However, the proof does not end there. Gideon asks the angel again that when he wakes up the fleece be dry, but the entire ground be wet. God complies, and long story short, Gideon saves Israel. In my own 21st century approach, I said to God “ I want to come home, but more importantly I want to follow your will. If it is your will for me to come home, then please provide an opening. Moreover, in good faith, that I at least receive an offer before September 1st, the first day of school.” While the spirit of this prayer is fine, it came to bite me in the butt later. 

God has a sense of humor. The whole time I was applying to jobs I had this feeling that God was telling me “Wait. Be patient.” But I wasn’t. I must have applied to over a hundred jobs, and the only ones that were getting back to me were telling me “you get to make your own hours, and be your own boss.” Thank you next.  I had thought about leaving Peace Corps before but never had I done something about it.  Each rejection, or lack thereof was a blow to the gut. The longer it went without me getting a job, the more angry I got. I thought I was doing everything right. I prayed, I read my Bible, I was drawing near to God in order to know his will, and I got nothing. I was fine with staying in Kosovo, so long as I knew why, and I heard nothing. The only thing I heard was “Wait. Be patient.” In the moment that just made me angrier. I felt like I was in a JG Wentworth commercial. “IT’S MY LIFE AND I WANT ANSWERS NOW!” Spoiler alert: it’s not my life, all I had to do is wait, and I ended up looking pretty silly in front of God.  

Two weeks before August ended I had all but given up on my fleece. When I wanted it to be dry, it appeared to be wet, and when I wanted it to be wet, it appeared to be dry. I randomly hit up one of my friends from college and when he asked me how I was, I was honest with him and told him I was unhappy. After narrating the story, without anything to merit the response he says to me, “My company is hiring, I can give you a referral if you want” So in a last hurrah effort I wrote yet another cover letter and submitted my application. I interviewed over Skype, and on the last business day before September 1st, I was given a provisional offer for the company. I cried, and thanked God, and realized how silly I was. He told me “Wait. Be patient.” and I had misunderstood his intent. My initial thought was that he told me to wait not for a job offer, but to wait for him to reveal his purpose for me in Kosovo. 

Here I found a new problem. God told you can go home, but really his will is for you to stay. 

Remember how I said my prayer was going to bite me in the butt? Here’s where it happened. I have this awful tendency to think that God’s will is a point on a map, and if I am not on that point, I am not following God’s will. This translates to the idea that every single decision I make must be completely, 100% willed by God. The only problem is that a good amount of time, at least in my life, God’s will for me is to make choices, not to be told what to do. It drives me crazy. I love being told what to do, but I also know that I need to have some sort of agency. The essential idea that I have found to be true in my life is that God operates in one of two ways: (Watch God break this mold in the next few years)

1) He is specific and clear. This isn’t necessarily with an audible voice, there are slight nudges or feelings of peace when making decisions. This is generally uncommon for me. I feel called to do things, but not necessarily like God is strictly commanding me to do it. It has happened once or twice in my life, but like I said it’s uncommon.

2) He lets you do what you want. This is the frustrating one. God’s will isn’t that you make a specific decision, but that you make a decision. He will use you in whatever you choose to do, but the decision is what is at hand right now. Remember, not making a choice is making a choice. This is the more common one for me, God wants me to weigh out the pros and cons of each situation and make a decision. 

What it all boils down to in the end is that God doesn’t really care about the destination, he cares much more about the journey. It’s not about what you do, it’s about how you do it. It’s not about where you’re going, it's about how you get there. He uses us and changes us in the midst of the decision not necessarily based on what door we take. 

As everything is in my life, this whole time was a learning experience. I found that I need to be less strict on myself when making decisions. Not to make decisions lightly, as being careful is paramount, but to be confident with the fact that the decisions I make, unless God tells me not to, are going to be okay in the end. I’ve also been really blessed with the parents I was put into. Never once was there an air of disappointment with my decision to quit the Peace Corps. My mom and dad have continued to be just as supportive as they always have been. But most importantly the thing I have learned is that sometimes when God tells you to do something, I should. Just because I don’t see results immediately, doesn’t mean he’s not working in my life. All I have to do is “Wait. Be patient.”

Rachael and I after I got back!