Get Some New Glass
The Peace Corps requires that you ask a lot of questions. This applies both in the communal aspect—getting to know someone by asking questions about their life— but also in the personal sense. I do not think this is singularly a Peace Corps thing, but I think that in any situation where you are willfully putting yourself in hardship on a daily basis. What am I doing here? Why do I stay? Should I leave? Should I go home? Is this worth it? These questions sometimes have no answer, but through chewing on them you can come to some sense of one. The amount of introspection I have on a daily basis is probably one of the leading causes of my anxiety. My father, a very smart, and witty man once told me, if you look at yourself long enough you’re bound to find some crap. I don’t think these questions are bad I just think that they have their time and place. Introspection becomes a problem when you have a lot of time on your hands. Your thoughts are really loud when you are lonely.
The month of January was rough. Because of some unfairness in the public sector of Kosovo, there was a month-long teacher strike. A month long directly after our two weeks of winter vacation. Because Peace Corps is a non-political, governmental organization, I was not allowed to interact with any of the teachers from my school. If I was seen with them, it would imply that I had a position on the strike, and therefore by the transitive property, so did my employer. Needless to say I was home a LOT for the month of January. Between talking to Rachael, reading, watching Star Trek, and listening to music, there was a lot of free time still. This meant a lot of “soul-searching”, this meant a butt-ton of anxiety.
Introspection is kind of looking at yourself in the mirror after you shower. I am not pointing fingers, but we all do it. I believe that God makes us all beautiful in our own ways, but as soon as I dry myself off, I wipe the condensation off the mirror and see myself there. Do I tell myself I look good? Most of the time I don’t. I will spend 20 minutes playing with my hair, to see if I can pull off the trendy hairstyles, or point out the gross mole I have on my chest. I am not looking for attention, and please don’t compliment me, I am just pointing out a fact. I will make a general assumption that when we look in the mirror we don’t like what we see. Introspection is kind of similar. If I am thinking about me, Andrew Kazim, I am rarely going to think about the good things in my life. Why would I linger on those? I know they are good. I am going to linger on the things that have caused me pain, or the things I don’t like, because I want to be able to fix them. This way I can avoid them in the future. However, one bad reminisce turns into two, and there is exponential growth from thereon out. Sooner or later all I can see is doodoo, and the good stuff got covered up a long time ago.
If you can’t tell already, I have a small, weird, but present affinity for mirrors. They are fascinating. You look into them and you see a reflection of yourself, or at least what we think we look like. I remember being a small child and thinking it was so cool that from whatever perspective you saw a mirror the reflection kept going so long as there were things to reflect. One specific instance was my bathroom when I was about ten years old. The mirror was behind my sink. I remember standing to the side and seeing the shower being reflected in the mirror even though I wasn't directly facing the shower. I experimented with climbing on my sink and looking down on the mirror. I could see socks that I had just taken off to take a shower laying on the mat and I could see the door. Had I opened the door I would have seen into the hallway and my bedroom. Beyond the technical aspect of mirrors, what
fascinates me more about them is that if you look in a mirror through another aspect, not only do you see yourself in the mirror, but you see yourself through that object. The lens I have on my camera is very wide, so it can capture a more panoramic picture, but the drawback is that my depth of field is a lot shorter. For me to be able to get a big up close picture of a building, I personally have to walk up to that building, rather than zooming in. Because of my affinity for mirrors I enjoy taking pictures of myself in a mirror. It’s cool. You can see yourself taking a picture through the camera which is taking the picture of you. (Wha?) However, it’s limited. Because I have to stand so close to the mirror, and because it’s dark in my room, anything that’s behind me or around me is blurry. I can only see me, nothing else. Introspection doesn’t give you the whole picture, it’s a wide angle lens. You spend all your time going over the singular things about you but don't focus on how you fit into the grand scheme of things. You’re only focusing on the thing that is right in front of you.
My recommendation, is change your lens. Get something that can open up your horizons, don't spend all the time looking at yourself, and take a look at other people, things too. By finding the goods in other people, often times you are able to find the goods in yourself. Trying to make yourself better is one thing, but not giving yourself credit for your successes is dangerous. If you give yourself a variety of lenses, you will realize that you are just a little part in a grand scheme of things. You might not know the big picture, but as the title of my blog suggests, often times when we are in disheartening situations, it’s a small part of a bigger story waiting to unfold.
The month of January was rough. Because of some unfairness in the public sector of Kosovo, there was a month-long teacher strike. A month long directly after our two weeks of winter vacation. Because Peace Corps is a non-political, governmental organization, I was not allowed to interact with any of the teachers from my school. If I was seen with them, it would imply that I had a position on the strike, and therefore by the transitive property, so did my employer. Needless to say I was home a LOT for the month of January. Between talking to Rachael, reading, watching Star Trek, and listening to music, there was a lot of free time still. This meant a lot of “soul-searching”, this meant a butt-ton of anxiety.
Introspection is kind of looking at yourself in the mirror after you shower. I am not pointing fingers, but we all do it. I believe that God makes us all beautiful in our own ways, but as soon as I dry myself off, I wipe the condensation off the mirror and see myself there. Do I tell myself I look good? Most of the time I don’t. I will spend 20 minutes playing with my hair, to see if I can pull off the trendy hairstyles, or point out the gross mole I have on my chest. I am not looking for attention, and please don’t compliment me, I am just pointing out a fact. I will make a general assumption that when we look in the mirror we don’t like what we see. Introspection is kind of similar. If I am thinking about me, Andrew Kazim, I am rarely going to think about the good things in my life. Why would I linger on those? I know they are good. I am going to linger on the things that have caused me pain, or the things I don’t like, because I want to be able to fix them. This way I can avoid them in the future. However, one bad reminisce turns into two, and there is exponential growth from thereon out. Sooner or later all I can see is doodoo, and the good stuff got covered up a long time ago.
If you can’t tell already, I have a small, weird, but present affinity for mirrors. They are fascinating. You look into them and you see a reflection of yourself, or at least what we think we look like. I remember being a small child and thinking it was so cool that from whatever perspective you saw a mirror the reflection kept going so long as there were things to reflect. One specific instance was my bathroom when I was about ten years old. The mirror was behind my sink. I remember standing to the side and seeing the shower being reflected in the mirror even though I wasn't directly facing the shower. I experimented with climbing on my sink and looking down on the mirror. I could see socks that I had just taken off to take a shower laying on the mat and I could see the door. Had I opened the door I would have seen into the hallway and my bedroom. Beyond the technical aspect of mirrors, what
fascinates me more about them is that if you look in a mirror through another aspect, not only do you see yourself in the mirror, but you see yourself through that object. The lens I have on my camera is very wide, so it can capture a more panoramic picture, but the drawback is that my depth of field is a lot shorter. For me to be able to get a big up close picture of a building, I personally have to walk up to that building, rather than zooming in. Because of my affinity for mirrors I enjoy taking pictures of myself in a mirror. It’s cool. You can see yourself taking a picture through the camera which is taking the picture of you. (Wha?) However, it’s limited. Because I have to stand so close to the mirror, and because it’s dark in my room, anything that’s behind me or around me is blurry. I can only see me, nothing else. Introspection doesn’t give you the whole picture, it’s a wide angle lens. You spend all your time going over the singular things about you but don't focus on how you fit into the grand scheme of things. You’re only focusing on the thing that is right in front of you.My recommendation, is change your lens. Get something that can open up your horizons, don't spend all the time looking at yourself, and take a look at other people, things too. By finding the goods in other people, often times you are able to find the goods in yourself. Trying to make yourself better is one thing, but not giving yourself credit for your successes is dangerous. If you give yourself a variety of lenses, you will realize that you are just a little part in a grand scheme of things. You might not know the big picture, but as the title of my blog suggests, often times when we are in disheartening situations, it’s a small part of a bigger story waiting to unfold.
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