Here and Now
Five months in and I am still struggling with the same things. I think principally anxiety (and its many sub-problems) will be my biggest struggle here in Kosovo. A lot of other issues are rooted in my anxiety; if I can learn to work with it, I am convinced that I will become stronger and a much better person.
I tend to worry about the things that have happened to me, or the things that will happen to me. For example, if I had a big argument with Rachael, I would find it difficult to not dwell upon the feelings and emotions that were found in them. Something that I have been trying to (quite unsuccessfully) work on is being present. Being here and now. Even in the times when I am not worried/anxious/panicked about something, to focus on where I am now. The idea was given to me one day as I was relating to my girlfriend about some anxiety I was having about the past. Even though I was talking to her over the phone, I imagined her inquisitive face when she asked me, “why don’t you just stop focusing on the times that aren’t now?” It sounds simple, doesn’t it? To tell the truth, I had never thought of not thinking about the future, or the past. So much of my struggles have spawned from dwelling on something I have done in the past, or as I have written before, the dreaded “What-if?” I responded to her that I didn’t know how. In the sermon on the mount Jesus has a whole section on not worrying about tomorrow ( and I believe it could apply itself to the past). He ends this section by saying, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Today has its troubles, and when you conquer those troubles, you feel so good about yourself. However, it isn’t easy for several reasons.
Sometimes it is hard to find the motivation to be present. If I am having a hard time finding the good in my time now, why then should I worry about it, especially if what I want to do is in the future. It is also very difficult to be present when you are in the midst of worrying about something. Honestly, if I am having a bout of anxiety, the last thing that comes to my mind is to do anything about it. It is very easy to wallow in your own self misery, especially if you already don’t have a lot to do.
Nonetheless like everything else in my life, it will only come if I work for it.
I awoke this morning to my first snow in Kosovo. I have been excited and scared to be in a place where it snows since before I got here. I have invested money in jackets, crocheted scarfs and hats, and gotten myself pumped about the snow was to come. Well today I finally got it, and it was so beautiful.
Someone once told me that waking up to snow is one of the greatest feelings because a layer of snow muffles the world. Everything is so quiet and peaceful when you wake up with a snowbed. I usually wake up on weekends to birds or to the neighbor’s baby behind my house playing in the yard. Today I woke up to nothing. I got out of my warm bed, rubbed off the condensation on my window, and there it was. The roofs, trees, leaves, and cars were all covered in snow and it was awesome. As soon as I left the house it stopped snowing, but the aftermath has been here throughout the day.
A few years back in Albania, a national competition was started to encourage English students to learn about poetry. It is called Po-e-Ze, which is a play on words in Albanian. The word Poezi means poetry, but the name of the competition means reading with words. The competition is completely based on recitation, and for the past few years it has moved to Kosovo as well. Many Peace Corps volunteers try
to get their students to participate in the competition. I managed to scrounge up some students of mine to learn a poem and I was able to host a competition in the town I work for. Even cooler, the winner of my competition gets to go and compete against other people his age in a national competition in Prishtina next month. I was so proud and excited of my students when they were able to learn.
I tend to worry about the things that have happened to me, or the things that will happen to me. For example, if I had a big argument with Rachael, I would find it difficult to not dwell upon the feelings and emotions that were found in them. Something that I have been trying to (quite unsuccessfully) work on is being present. Being here and now. Even in the times when I am not worried/anxious/panicked about something, to focus on where I am now. The idea was given to me one day as I was relating to my girlfriend about some anxiety I was having about the past. Even though I was talking to her over the phone, I imagined her inquisitive face when she asked me, “why don’t you just stop focusing on the times that aren’t now?” It sounds simple, doesn’t it? To tell the truth, I had never thought of not thinking about the future, or the past. So much of my struggles have spawned from dwelling on something I have done in the past, or as I have written before, the dreaded “What-if?” I responded to her that I didn’t know how. In the sermon on the mount Jesus has a whole section on not worrying about tomorrow ( and I believe it could apply itself to the past). He ends this section by saying, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Today has its troubles, and when you conquer those troubles, you feel so good about yourself. However, it isn’t easy for several reasons.
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| Accurate description of what I look like with anxiety. My hair isn't quite there yet. |
Nonetheless like everything else in my life, it will only come if I work for it.
Let’s Practice
One of the things I will try is to just narrate what has been happening to me in the past few weeks. In doing so, I am telling you of what’s going on in Kosovo, and I can try to remain centered in what I am doing.Hey Oh
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| The view from outside my room |
Someone once told me that waking up to snow is one of the greatest feelings because a layer of snow muffles the world. Everything is so quiet and peaceful when you wake up with a snowbed. I usually wake up on weekends to birds or to the neighbor’s baby behind my house playing in the yard. Today I woke up to nothing. I got out of my warm bed, rubbed off the condensation on my window, and there it was. The roofs, trees, leaves, and cars were all covered in snow and it was awesome. As soon as I left the house it stopped snowing, but the aftermath has been here throughout the day.
Reading with Words
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| The two participants in my competition, The guy on the right won with Harlem- By Langston Hughes |
to get their students to participate in the competition. I managed to scrounge up some students of mine to learn a poem and I was able to host a competition in the town I work for. Even cooler, the winner of my competition gets to go and compete against other people his age in a national competition in Prishtina next month. I was so proud and excited of my students when they were able to learn.
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