It's Going to be Okay

September 19, 2018

It's Going to be Okay

It has been a few weeks since I last posted, and that is because of the whirlwind that my life has been for the past few weeks.

Anxiety

I’ll start with the recurring issue of general anxiety that I have been struggling with for a long time. I put a name on it in college, but when I look back at the panic I experienced in middle and high school, I know that it has been with me for a long time. Anxiety for me always comes in the form of the question “what if?, ” and its answers. In college it was “What if I don't finish this assignment?” I will fail the course. “What if I fail the course?” I won’t finish school. “What if I don't finish school?” Then I won’t get a job and I’ll be homeless for the rest of my life. In counseling I figured out that leaving things that are causing you anxiety is not a bad thing. It doesn’t make you a coward, or worth any less for dropping it. The simple fact is(and I have talked about this before), I didn’t like being a Computer Science major, but I didn’t know how to give it up. When I figured out what I wanted to do in my life, my anxiety became much more manageable. The day I decided to become an English major, and after my first quarter as one I took a deep breath, and said “It’s going to be okay.” Even though my anxiety now presents itself in the same way, because it’s about something else, it has become a bit scarier. My anxiety is not currently about my school work (because there is none) nor about my actual work (because I feel like I am doing well), but more about my relationships back home, both family/friend, and my relationship with Rachael. I have never been good at staying in touch with people. It is partially an egoistic thing, in that I never think about it, but I also believe it has to do with the way my mind works. If I think about doing something, and I don’t do it right that second, I won’t get it done that day. This happens to me in a lot of different aspects of my life, not just relationship-wise. If in the morning I don’t put my deodorant on as I think about doing it, my mind will move on to the next task and I will forget about it. Knowing this about myself, I feared that with my friends and family, I would get to a point of out-of-touchness that it would potentially sever my relationship with them. My best friends are back home, and the thought of that is terrifying. With Rachael, my anxiety is basically the same thing, but for different reasons. In the first few weeks I was here, neither of us knew how to process the distance. For this reason, we fought quite a bit for the first month I was here. It was hard on me because I really enjoy being in a relationship with her, and the role that she plays in my life, but all the fighting made me concerned: “What if this is not meant to be?” This question turned into “What if we break up?” and then ultimately, “What if I am happier if we break up?” This last question was the most terrifying out of all of them. Relationships are not like my school work. I can’t drop one and pick one up as quickly as I did with my majors. Breaking up is more complicated than that, and at times the feelings and emotions these questions bring really knock me down. One day I’ll be fine, and the next the question comes into my mind, and I am out for the rest of the day. The first time I brought this up with Rachael, it was bad to say the least. I was freaking out because I thought I needed to break up with her, she was freaking out because she thought I was going to break up with her. Honestly all we needed to do was just breathe and talk about the things we were feeling, and for the most part these things work themselves out. In all cases of my anxiety, there are a few things that help a lot. I have a few people in my life who I trust enough to talk about these things with, and one of my very close friends told me very simply that, anxiety is not something you overcome, it’s something you learn to live with. The more I think that I will “beat” anxiety, the more I am going to be anxious because I am not beating it. I am learning to recognize that this is something I am going to live with the rest of my life. Anxiety is there, it’s part of me, it’s not going anywhere. I have to see it, recognize it, but not let it take hold of me.
Specifically, for the most part with “what if?” questions, the approach I need to have is “whatever happens, happens.” I cannot see the future, moreover even if I could I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. The simple solution to my anxiety is to let things take their course, but do the work that I need to do. In the case of my friends and family, I need to make it a point to set aside time to talk to them more often, to write these blog posts more often (even if they don’t have some sort of “message”). In the case of Rachael, I need to continue pursuing her as a friend and as my romantic interest and let whatever will happen, happen. For the moment we are doing great. I really enjoy being Rachael's boyfriend, and I want to keep it that way. A great quote from the film Bridge of Spies illustrates this. As Rudolf Abel(Mark Rylance) is about to be tried for being a spy in the US, his lawyer James Donovan (Tom Hanks) looks at him and says “You don’t seem alarmed.” and in response Abel looks at him and calmly says “Would it help?” The more I think this, the more I can take a deep breath and say “It’s going to be okay.”

Rundown

Since the last time I wrote, three major things have happened:

I swore in and officially became a Peace Corps Volunteer (I changed the banner to my blog)

My friend Will and I dressed up for the ceremony.

The Ceremonial Pin given to all new Kosovo PCVs.
I moved to my permanent site. I am now in the spot where I will be living and working for the next two years. The town I live in is in the north-east part of the country.
I started working at a local high school in my town, co-teaching with an local national counterpart.

New Town New Family

The new town that I am in is a lot of fun. It is a lot bigger than the previous one I lived in. I enjoy living here, as there is more of a proximity to major cities, and there are bigger stores here in the town. That being said, I kind of miss my old village. There was a quaintness and a solemnity of not having access to things whenever I wanted. I am having to get used to being in a city again where I can go to the store and get what I need. Back in the village I lived in over the summer, that wasn't always an option. My new family is very nice, and they are putting in a lot of effort to make me feel at home when I come here.

Weddings

I had not been in my new town for a week when I got invited to the wedding of my host father's cousin. I had heard stories about Albanian weddings. I wasn't too enthralled with these stories. They told me they go on for hours, and they are loud, and you have to dance. If you know anything about me, I can be pretty introverted so being in a loud room for 5-6 hours wasn't my idea of fun. Regardless, to try to immerse myself into the culture, I accepted the invitation and I went. All of my suspicions were confirmed. I was seated in a very loud room where people were dancing. The wedding went for about 7 hours, and there was live music playing the entire time. Here's the thing, I didn't hate it. It was fun. I enjoyed the music and the dancing, and how the wedding was more of a collaborative experience rather than just sitting in a seat and watching. People got up and showed their joy for the newlyweds by dancing and singing along to the traditional Albanian music being played. About 4 hours into the wedding I was sitting down eating the food served, and I smiled and thought to myself "It's going to be okay."

New Job (sort of)

As of three weeks ago I began co-teaching with my counterpart at the local high school. The way high schools are separated in Kosovo is there are different kinds of high schools depending on the area of focus that a person wants to pursue in their career. I happen to teach at the economic high school in my region. Here the students are on route to becoming future accountants, stock brokers, bankers, and any other industry that has to do with money. The first few weeks were tough. There was a lot of confusion as to where the students were supposed to go, where I was supposed to go as a teacher, and what material we would be teaching. The ministry of education had changed some of the elements of the curriculum and there was confusion as to how we were going to implement those changes. Finally this week we got into the groove of teaching, and I have to say it is a blast. The students seem eager to learn English. Although I am doing more observing than anything, it is fun seeing them try their best in English. At the beginning it was tough to be in and around the school. I am not a person that does well when there isn't a concrete plan, so I got really frustrated as the days were going by. This however has subsided and I have been finally getting the idea that things are going to be okay.